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Well, I
personally don't like where this story's going,
N: Neither do we.
S: (mournfully) Poor Legolas.
I didn't plan it this way, it
just sort of happened.
S: (author) I swear I didn’t
mean to write a giant Mary Sue into Tolkien’s
Middle-earth.
N: (laughs) Now is as good a time as any for that plot
synopsis.
S: And we use the word “plot” loosely. (Spomonie puts
a new overhead on the projector.)
“Plot” Summary
Since we last saw the intrepid Thiniel, she has had a few random
flashbacks about the “good old times”. She recalls
when she saved Aragorn’s life when he was two, and his
parents were slain in an Orc attack. She then remembers how in
Mirkwood, she was a complete jerk to Legolas. Later, she is
inexcusably rude to one of her many “best friends”
Haldir.
Returning to the present in Lorien (where the Fellowship are
still blessedly absent), she naturally wants to go to war,
presumably so she can lead more soldiers to an untimely death. It
is then randomly revealed that Legolas and Thiniel are in
love.
N: This unexplained turn of events leads into the next glorious
chapter!
.........................................................
Chapter 10
Bitter- sweet
S: chocolate?
“What is it, Legolas? What do we have to talk about?” Thiniel was
confused.
N: (Thiniel) Who am I? Where am I?
“Don’t worry.” He kissed her
S: In her dreams
forehead
S: Drat.
“ I just have to ask you something.”
“Then do it.”
“Do you like it here, with me?”
N: Oh dear, I think we’re
going to need these. (Rummages in the backpack and pulls out two
“Badfic Barf Bags”)
S: (Takes one) I think I’m going to hurl.
“You know I would liked
it anywhere where you would be near me.” She smiled
N: gruesomely
.
“What I mean is, my darling, would you like to live
here?” Legolas said.
N: (Legolas) I want you to stay
here so that I’ll be free of you when I return to
Mirkwood.
“I thought we already
agreed I’ll stay here for a while.”
S: (Thiniel) It’s in that
restraining order you insisted on.
N: You look a little green Spomonie.
S: You’re not looking too great yourself.
“But would you like to
live here forever? As my wife?”
Both: (hurl violently into the
Badfic Barf Bags)
S: No... please...
N: Make it stop!
He finally said that. He asked
her to be his wife.
N: (looks like she might be ill
again)
S: If the word “wife” comes up again, I might need
another barf bag.
N: Ugh. We could also call these “Sue Sick
Sacks”.
He planned that for a while,
and now finally had the strength to ask her
S: To leave.
that.
N: Oh... that.
S: What should we do with these bags?
N: Just chuck them out the window.
Thiniel was left speechless.
She saw he is being serious.
N: Seriously disturbed.
He wanted her to be his
wife.
S: (looks ill) I think I can hold
it down.
N: I shouldn’t have eaten so many crackers and
antipasto.
To marry him. She didn’t
know what to say.
N: (prompting) No. Say it. No.
She loved him. She loved him so
much.
And that was why she knew that only one answer is a good
answer.
S: (Thiniel) I will never marry
you, causing you to act drastically out of character.
“I would
S: (Thiniel) Like to order a
pizza
!” she said, although she
was full of doubts about how that all will work.
N: (Thiniel) I will have to drug
his cereal every morning.
But she knew she has to listen
to her heart now.
S: (heart) No, first your pants,
then your shoes.
And her heart was telling her
that she loves Legolas more than anything else in the world.
Legolas smiled hearing her answer.
“I hoped you’ll say that.” He felt a relief. He
loved her from the day he saw her,
N: Even though she had never
treated him with anything but rudeness and contempt.
and now she’s going to be
his
S: Sue
forever. He leaned his lips to
hers.
N: (Legolas) At just the right
angle, they can stand alone!
He gently kissed her.
S: In her dreams
N: You can’t change the fic, no matter how much you want
to.
S: (sadly) I know.
His hand was on her neck
S: Slowly squeezing the life out of
her.
and she put her hands around
his hips.
N: What the hey?
This was the first time they
kissed in public.
N: (Random Elf) Get a room you
two!
Now everybody could see what
they really feel about each other.
S: Barf bags for all!
It was no longer a secret.
N: It never was.
S: (Legolas) Actually, I love Arwen. That’s not a secret
either.
So, Thiniel decided to stay in
Mirkwood.
N: Weren’t they just in
Lorien?
S: We skimmed a bit, but I’m sure we would have noticed
them going to Mirkwood.
They decided to wait for the
spring and then to marry, so that everybody could come, including
her father Elrond.
N: (Elrond) I forbid this wedding,
out of concern for Legolas. And I still disown you.
S: (waves “Go Elrond” pennant.)
They were together the whole
winter.
They shared long walks in the snow, and spent cozy evenings near
the fire.
N: (Legolas, darkly) Sit just a
little closer to the fire Thiniel, go on, closer...
They felt like they wee alone
in the world,
S: (Thiniel) Woe is me.
like there is no one else
there, besides them.
N: I think we all know what
“alone” means.
Thiniel never felt this happy.
Legolas would do anything for her.
N: (Thiniel) Haul that line! Tote
that barrel!
She didn’t need anything
but him. He was so caring and full of love. She sometimes felt
like he’s being overprotective, but still didn’t
worry about that too much. She thought it will change in the
time.
N: (Thiniel) Legolas is my one true
love, but he needs to change.
But then one day, it just
became too much.
S: (Legolas) I can’t take it
anymore! (Runs screaming into the forest.)
It was early spring and snow
started melting from the mountains. The Elves of the Mirkwood
decided to Hunt
S: As in Captain Dylan?
N: Who?
S: Dylan Hunt, captain of the Andromeda –
N: (rolls eyes) Sci-fi geek.
down a dragon that was causing
them trouble.
N: He was trying to restore
canon?
They were all ready and Legolas
was the one who should lead them.
S: (Legolas) I’m in charge
and you’re not, nyah nyah!
N: (Elf of Mirkwood) Yeah, not you Thiniel, we don’t want
to get slaughtered this time.
Then Thiniel approached
them.
N: The Elves saw the Sue and ran
for their lives.
She carried her weapons with
her. It looked like she was ready for the
S: Duck
hunt.
Legolas smirked when he saw her and asked her
N: To leave.
“I thought you are
staying at home.”
S: (Legolas) But now that
we’re here, you can bait the trap.
“Why did you think
that?” she was surprised.
“Well dragon hunts can be pretty dangerous.”
N: And moose bites can be pretti
nasti.
“Trust me I’ve seen
many dangerous things in my life.
S: Plot Holes, Author's Whims.
N: (Legolas, emphatically) I know.
I’m not afraid of a
dragon.
N: (Legolas) Well we are. What are
you – a moron?
I’m coming with
you.” She was determined.
S: (Legolas) Only if you’re
bait.
“But Thiniel, really, it
is dangerous.”
N: (Legolas) We intend for the
dragon to eat the bait.
“I know, I know that you
can get killed out there, but I’ve never been to one. I
want to see how that works.”
S: Right on! She wants to get
herself killed!
N: Way to do the gene pool a favour Thiniel.
"Well, you won't."
"What do you mean?" she was surprised.
N: A little slow on the uptake
Thiniel?
“You’re not
coming.”
S: Yea!
N: Huzzah!
“Legolas!” she was
nervous now “You can’t order me
N: A pizza
like that!”
N: (Thiniel) I distinctly asked for
no olives.
“I think I can.
S: (Legolas) I know I can.
N: The Little Engine that Could Run Over the Sue!
I am in charged her and
you’ll do what I say.” He was serious.
N: (waves "Go Legolas" pennant)
“You think I’m not
good enough to join your men?”
S: (Legolas) Correct. Now leave,
you’re scaring the horses.
“I didn’t say
that.
S: (Legolas) I said you
couldn’t organize your way out of a wet paper bag.
It is just that I don’t
want to be worried all the time about you
N: Accidentally shooting me
. I’ll be much calmer if
you stay here, on a safe place.”
S: (Legolas, quietly) Safe for
me.
“Don’t do this to
me, Legolas. You can’t protect me like this all the
time.”
N: (Legolas) True. I plan to keep
you in a safety deposit box later.
“I do this because I
love
S: Being far away from
you. I want to protect
N: Myself from
you.” He said that very
loud, so everybody turned around at him. He felt kind of
weird
S: Acting so out of character
.
Then she said “Well, you can’t control my
life.”
S: (Legolas) Not until the mind
probes are in place.
“Thiniel, calm down.
N: (Legolas) You’re going to
have an asthma attack.
You’re not coming. The
end.
S: Can we leave now? N: He
wasn’t referring to the chapter.
We’ll talk about this when I come home.” She
saw she couldn’t talk to him anymore. He just
wouldn’t let her come.
S: She is a bit thick.
She turned around and went back to the castle.
N: (evilly) Of Dol Guldur! Bwahaha!
S: And its unspeakable evil.
“Yes, we’ll talk about it when you come home. But you ,might not
find me here anymore.”
S: (Legolas) Mission accomplished!
N: (Legolas) I can be myself again!
She said that to herself.
N: (Thiniel) Woe is me.
S: In that chapter we alluded to the Little Engine that Could, the Far Side,
and more Monty Python.
N: That was a rough chapter, and I need to brush my teeth.
S: Definitely. Since we just upchucked the contents of our stomachs,
we’ll need to eat after. N: I know a great restaurant, the Congee Noodle
House.
S: Great idea, I need some good, wholesome food.
Nurvingiel and Spomonie brushed their teeth in the bathroom down the hall, then left the MSTing
building for a dinner break.
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